Dispatch from the War On Christmas: Day Eight
Interrogation Unit
Camp Blitzen, Afghanistan
0245 Hours

United States Special Operations Command (USSOCOM) says time is running out. They need intelligence to find Santa before he unloads his “gifts” on all the boys and girls. We are now authorized use any interrogation techniques necessary.  We  strapped our captured elf to a chair and made him watch Adam Sandler’s “Jack & Jill.” The tactic proved too much. In a last act of defiance he yelled,  “Santa Akbar” (Santa is great) and choked himself on a small toy the FDA said was unsafe and hidden in his mouth.